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Silence In the Rain

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Misty dreams, drops of rain Slowly slide down a window pane Wistful visions through the glass Blurred and colored moving fast The tracks beneath break the sound Thunder and lightning all around Watching the trails, tears from a cloud Mental pictures, not speaking out loud Rhythm, beat, sound beneath my feet The heart understands, secrets to keep Solace in the rain and the vision it makes Peace in the sound and hope it wakes Watching the trails slide through the light Relaxing, if just for a short respite Matching the lines with a fingertip Whispered words of love cross the lips Washing away the doubt of the day Beginning again with a fresh start Hope blooms in a rain washed heart Breaking through the heavy clouds Words to say boldly, finally out loud The tracks end, a destination reached Releasing breath no more secrets to keep Stepping out into the rain, face to the sky Muffled conversations of passers by Misty dreams, drops of rain i
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The Infinite Soul

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We cannot squeeze into one lifetime, the whole, The infinite expansion of the soul. Each lifetime we find, in the end, ultimately is made waste. Lifetime after lifetime we live and learn only to forget The love, the joy, the suffering, and the pain Only to return to do it all once again. To remember the lifetimes before The choices we make, the paths we take So many times of death, we partake. Every experience, every breath leaves us one last step. We step towards each other, or do we step apart. To strip it all away, to love, to live. Each day we seize with a double fist. Holding tight the day, the night. Fleeting moments, in the end, only to say I want to begin. The flicker of death, the glimmer of light, to touch, to feel So many days on the clock, we find, in the end, surreal. We begin life with a cry and end with a tear. Those left behind, the ones we hold dear. Too many lifetimes, too much fear, each a doorway With every turn of the key,
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It's Been A While

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I know it has been a long while since my last posting.  I have been lost and am slowly finding my way out of the darkness.  Losing my mother has been the hardest thing I have ever walked through.  The main reason is that my mom was my grounding and shield.  I did not realize how much I depended on her presence in my life, whether I was with her or not.  The very knowledge that she existed brought such peace to my soul. I knew I could pick up the phone and hear her voice anytime I wished. I could see her whenever I wanted.  She was here. When she became sick, and I moved to take care of her, it was helplessness I could never have imagined. To watch someone I love die slowly and know there was nothing I could do to stop it was debilitating. I could only make her life as comfortable as possible. Dementia is cruel and horrifically unkind. After we had to say goodbye, I was utterly lost. I couldn't save my mom. She was gone. The regrets, waisted time, 'should-haves' and 'cou
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Breathe

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Between, I exist in ether I float and bend with the wind I breathe and expand like the stormy sea Carried away, lost and free Within the sphere of only me No one touches and no one sees I hold within because I cannot trust My heart, in pain the knife of life is thrust I acknowledge existence, if I must The sun, it rises again and again The moon, I dance, I spin and spin Delivering the sultry witch within Unashamed and unabashed Upon the sea of hope a life dashed Broken with knowledge, I now understand A soul of love struggles to be heard Within these walls breaking free A bird, fluttering, finally upon the wind Letting go of all that is lost within Expansion, eternal, a lasting call Alone, I am, within a shell no one can see That which I truly know, what is truly me I tried and failed, the sea of pain I am left to sail Lessons learned, too many to name Most of which I call my shame My only sin is to love without walls My name in this life will never be ca
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Untethered

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I have not the strength to fight anymore The longing for peace is gone The darkness beckons me into the night It still calls even though I no longer fight I stand on the edge contemplating the fall Awaken my soul and bring me home There is more than what I have been shown Many days wandering in the dark The cold seizes me and drains my heart I no longer care to understand why Untethered, my soul leaves the bonds Released, I step over the edge and finally, I fly Detached, unchained, last breath I breathe I know for me no soul would grieve My purpose was served, what mark I leave Resting now in the darkness, its embrace Tears of relief run down my face Back to the source, my soul to find No longer in pieces, rent and torn apart Reunited with source, the beginning of me Untethered from the chains and finally free The darkness shows the purpose of all No more days in the agony of my mind In the nothingness, it is comfort I find I cried to be understood, I cried to b
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Where Do I Go From Here?

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I am at a loss, dear reader.  How do I express myself when I struggle daily to understand my world right now?  I have never been here before, in this state.  This place is new to me and holds no security for me.  I am scattered in a million pieces, trying in vain to keep them together for any length of time.  Grief and pain fill me some days, and other days I feel normal if there is such a state.  It has taken me months to bring myself to this place to be able to write again.  I wonder if this too is in vain.  I believe I am afraid of feeling the pain which writing will bring.  But, maybe in doing so, I can begin to heal. I have lost my mom, dear reader.  She is finally at peace.  She left this existence October 24 as I held her face begging her to stay.  It was only she and I in her last moments of life.  Reduced to the child within, I kissed her and asked her not to leave just yet.  Yes, I was so very weary, but to live without her was a thought I could not bear in her fina
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Connected

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Dear reader, I have for the last few months found myself struggling to put upon the page the revelations I have come into.  So many changes in my life rendered me unable to reign in my scattered thoughts enough to put them in a cohesive form.  I find myself tonight finally finding the internal dialogue flowing and felt I should take advantage of this state as much as possible before it evades me once again.  I ask for your patience as I do my utmost to put before you, my thoughts.  Because, as many rabbit trails as my mind may possess, what follows may seem to you without conclusion or may seem disjointed and without a connection. A new revelation of what it means to be 'unconditional' came to me one afternoon after I read an article concerning judgment.  This article created a new understanding in me concerning the state of being 'unconditional.'  It is this - to be unconditional one must be able to accept all in their present moment as they are without expectation
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Battle's End

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Sunlight flutters and presses through the stained glass windows up high Dust dances within the light like the sprinkling of snow so white I stand in the hollow core of the church I once called my home Silence reigns down upon me, whispers of sacred prayers once sown Filling the emptiness, memories of worship echo through my mind Once I believed the holy purity of faith, but my soul ran out of time I listen for forgiveness, the sound of love, of heaven and truth so pure The darkness begins to fall upon this empty heart of which there is no cure From archway to pillar, from the altar up to the holy cross, I see only pain For many moons ago the enemy invaded and my weary soul he claimed In the hollow sounds of emptiness, there is no priest to pray once again for me There are no prayers to say to a heaven gone silent, the demons no longer flee Slowly the light fades from the sky taking the kaleidoscope of colors from my eyes I am weary of the battle within and wi
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